Spiritually Juggling The Fallout Of Addiction

[VonNoble]

Son is an addict. Mother worries about him.

She has practiced tough love. He is over age 21. She stopped financially supporting him.

Still she worries, frets, can't sleep and stews about what she can do.

The son is also a member of your church.

He has quit heroine several times. He is in a relationship with an addict.

Eventually living with the addict he has access to heroine and starts using it again.

You as the minister hear the hurt and despair from both members of your church.

Recommendations, ideas, suggestions on how to best minister to both?

Von

[mark 45]

good to hear from you again von.

truth be known,unless he/they want your help,it will not be welcomed.if the parties involved do not wish to kick their habit,there is nothing anyone can do.

i can only wish you the best,and if they do come to you for help,i suggest you get them refered to treatment first.they will be going thru a hell they have created and not one you want to be part of.after that,you may be able to meet their"spiritual"needs.

[Atwater Vitki]

I feel so helpless at this very moment because I too am a "recovered addict" who has battled the mighty Heroin Dragon for some 35 years.

Unfortunately what Mark said is absolutely correct "if the parties involved do not wish to kick their habit,there is nothing anyone can do." and beyond that there is virtually nothing that can be done to help the addict, regardless if s/he is family or foe, loved one or hated adversary. There are times when three and a half decades later I still battle this Dragon on an hourly basis, let alone daily. "Today I will not use" is a mantra I have began each day with since 1979 and thus, I must consider will probably be there everyday of the rest of my life. (Having recently quit smoking cigarettes, that will probably be a daily struggle as well! )

Okay, so enough of the helpless "can't" stuff....what your wife and son's Mother can do is continue to emotionally love him, support him and pray for him. Let him know that no one has given up on him so when he has had enough and wants to quit the Heroin... everyone is still willing to be there for him. There is probably nothing of greater emphasis I tell anyone in this position. And you know already that you don't hate your son, you hate the choices he is making. So be mad at the choices, not him. Only you know how best to express your love and support of him and how to chastise his choices, not him...no one can tell you how to best do that, only you, your wife and he know what language and circumstances work best for y'all.

I felt so incredibly lonely regarding most of my family because they told me things that were not supportive, were condescending and destructive, things I had to make a choice about. Not that "it's either Heroin or family" doesn't enter your vocabulary, I'm sure it does, but it's all in how he is told that that makes all the difference in the world.

Be strong and supportive of your son, be angry at his poor choices and make sure he understands the difference....that is probably the best advice I can ever pass on to anyone in this terrible situation. It is tough loving someone that you hate what they do to themselves, but you and your wife will find a way to get through to him, even if it takes another long while. You are as strong and spiritual as anyone I know here Von, and you have our prayers for all of you.

Blessings of Peace and Healing,

[VonNoble]

My apologies for the confusion in my wording.

The mother and son are both members of my church but I am not

related to either one of them.....

Thanks for the input (and confirmation) of the situation.

The question is more one of how to handle emotional churn which is quite an obstacle for the mother.

The addict is not ready for help, I keep the door open but limit exposure.

The mother cannot be rational - or detached and she is in considerable pain because of that.

Somehow no words are offering comfort......even quiet support seems to be failing her.

Ideas?

von

[Songster]

Given my experience, I ought to be able to offer some help here... but cannot think of any words of advice that I think will help. As a parent of son that died of an overdose, I can tell you from personal experience that there is absolutely nothing that you can say to the parent that will be a comfort to her or that will ease her anxiety. Nor will you be able to reassure her that she is not THE reason for his present condition. I can only recommend prayer... and suggest that you prepare for the day you'll be needed to comfort her over his passing....

[Raincloud]

She needs to pray.That's all she can do. the process of prayer can help.

and.... this might be a spiritual life lesson for her that she has to work through. No one else is his Mother. This is her lot, whether she likes it or not.

My Brother is an addict. I understand the circumstances.

Really, not much more than get her to regularly pray and send him healing energy.

[Atwater Vitki]

The addict is not ready for help, I keep the door open but limit exposure.

The mother cannot be rational - or detached and she is in considerable pain because of that.

Somehow no words are offering comfort......even quiet support seems to be failing her.

I'll split the "confusion" here Von... ...I guess I jumped to a conclusion that wasn't there upon reading it over several times...so anyway...we're beyond that now!

It seems you are already doing what should be done and the only really productive thing, keeping the door open but limiting the exposure. From my personal experience it was those who did that for me that helped more in the long run than anyone. Those that kept harping on the woes of others "because of" my addiction fell on deaf ears.

The only other thing I can think of is for the family and mother...perhaps watching a few episodes of "Intervention" will help. If nothing else the mom and family can see just how universally destructive and heart wrenching addiction is. Often it's some of the simplest things said that make a huge impact to family. The counselors on that show are spot on as far as I'm concerned.

And yes, continued prayers and sending Healing Energy is all the rest of us can do, even when it doesn't appear to be doing any good at all.

Blessings of Peace,

[emalpaiz]

Be patient and always keep a heart of loving kindnes. Never turn them away.

Hermano Luis

[Seeker]

Good to hear from you Von.

I agree with most of what has been said. One very specific thing to watch out for is the mother blaming the partner for the relapse. If she does, please help her to see that the partner's mother may in turn be blaming her son, and neither is right. Son and partner may be able to help and support each other in ways that outsiders can not.

[VonNoble]

As always (for more than a decade) the FORUM has some good, solid suggestions and I do

appreciate them as this is an area of which I know very little.

ATWATER VITKI ...thanks for the assist - where would I find episodes of INTERVENTION.....

(sorry I live in a very rural area and we do not have television but the mother does and I would like to

direct her to whichever place has the shows)......(is that a cable thing, Netflix, Amazon???)

Would this distress her to see the full blown impact or would it be good to point her focus to be

on the counselors to understand how to cope with the addict?

Seeker, very good point I had not considered - the two addicts might (could) form a mutual support ...also

​had not considered that both parents would see the other's child as an enabler....good thing to keep in mind

Mark45 - VERY good to hear from you - our path's keep crossing ....which is a good thing in my book

Songster - your thoughts mirror my own...but it was nice to have the confirmation thereof

Raincloud - my sympathies to you as it must be difficult for your family....I have plenty of oddballs in my family and more than a few alcoholics but I have never had to deal with a drug addict and this is all new territory for me - I appreciate your input and I will keep the prayer lines working on this situation

emalpaiz - gentle one - thank you for the reminder.....I shall follow your advise and appreciate (always) your wisdom....

The mother seems to vacillate between fault finding with her parenting skills, resenting her ex-husband for not helping her raise the kid, hating the girlfriend "for getting the son hooked".....and being worried sick the next phone call will be from a jail or a rescue squad. There doesn't seem to be any room for calm in all that - she just swings from one emotional low to the next without much leveling off. There are not many options for professional help in this rural setting and I have so far not been inspirational enough to motivate her to go to a bigger city to get some help for her own self. She does not have a computer (she does have television reception) ...we don't have a library but I could go online and order a self help book or some literature for her if someone knows a useful resource (I went on line but I cannot tell which one of the things on there might be actually effective) - any ideas on that ...thx

von

[Atwater Vitki]

ATWATER VITKI ...thanks for the assist - where would I find episodes of INTERVENTION.....

(sorry I live in a very rural area and we do not have television but the mother does and I would like to

direct her to whichever place has the shows)......(is that a cable thing, Netflix, Amazon???)

Would this distress her to see the full blown impact or would it be good to point her focus to be

on the counselors to understand how to cope with the addict?

It's in the link above "Intervention" but here it is again in plain link/text whatever ya call it!

http://www.aetv.com/intervention/video

I was afraid for my sister as well and her watching to let her "see" the effects regarding her daughter...Sis is now a dedicated watcher and even has favorite episodes because she relates and also realizes she's not alone in the world.

If this Mom has internet a quick Google on Addiction Intervention pulls up a "million" links...something should be of value/interest to her there.

Blessings of Peace and Healing to all concerned.

Edited May 19, 2014 by Atwater Vitki

[mark 45]

"The mother seems to vacillate between fault finding with her parenting skills, resenting her ex-husband for not helping her raise the kid, hating the girlfriend "for getting the son hooked".....and being worried sick the next phone call will be from a jail or a rescue squad. There doesn't seem to be any room for calm in all that - she just swings from one emotional low to the next without much leveling off. There are not many options for professional help in this rural setting and I have so far not been inspirational enough to motivate her to go to a bigger city to get some help for her own self. She does not have a computer (she does have television reception) ...we don't have a library but I could go online and order a self help book or some literature for her if someone knows a useful resource (I went on line but I cannot tell which one of the things on there might be actually effective) - any ideas on that ...thx

von"

unless or until she is ready to listen,and even calm down for a minute,you may not be able to help her either,even if she did ask you first.

Edited May 19, 2014 by mark 45

[Atwater Vitki]

"The mother seems to vacillate between fault finding with her parenting skills, resenting her ex-husband for not helping her raise the kid, hating the girlfriend "for getting the son hooked".....and being worried sick the next phone call will be from a jail or a rescue squad. There doesn't seem to be any room for calm in all that - she just swings from one emotional low to the next without much leveling off. There are not many options for professional help in this rural setting and I have so far not been inspirational enough to motivate her to go to a bigger city to get some help for her own self. She does not have a computer (she does have television reception) ...we don't have a library but I could go online and order a self help book or some literature for her if someone knows a useful resource (I went on line but I cannot tell which one of the things on there might be actually effective) - any ideas on that ...thx

von"

unless or until she is ready to listen,and even calm down for a minute,you may not be able to help her either,even if she did ask you first.

This was precisely the same situation I was in a couple years back with a neighbor when I also came here looking for some help/answers...the outcome was almost the same as it began to draw me into the drama until I finally just backed off in as diplomatic a style as possible. It took 2½-3 months, but the couple finally stopped by and asked "why" the group* and myself had stopped coming by....they always had delightful, homemade coffee/tea and snacks avail and "counseling nights" became almost like social night instead of pastoral counseling or professional help.

One of the other neighbors took the direct approach (I was not liking what had to be said)....and told them outright...if "they didn't want to get beyond their situation, they won't!" Another friend even told the gal how utterly selfish she was by placing the focus of her son's addiction on her. If all we ever discussed was how this "terrible catastrophe" affected the mom...well then not much sense in giving help to the son.

Naturally myself, nor anyone here, knows this person in your church or what is best for her, but it's starting to sound like another very familiar story in the "Addiction Cycles" and that is loved one's of the addict becoming the victim and by proxy becoming the focus of help. (As I look back this was the case with my own parents and my trouble 35 + years ago) The mother you are dealing with may not actually want help (subconsciously) for her son so the focus can remain on how hurt she is. Frankly, this may be the perfect time to solicit the idea that the mom get "Professional Help" or stop worrying about her already "dead" son. I know, I know...sounds so cold and hard, but sometimes that is what is needed for the emotions of others to take a back seat and the ADDICT to get help. As the pastor, perhaps being very direct and open with her is the only means of getting the message through, I don't know...but in the meantime....

My prayers and energies are with you Von, while you go through this seemingly impossible dilemma with a member of your church.

Blessings of Healing for all concerned

*the group - consisted of a trained/licensed psychologist (who lives in our complex) and several close friends of the couple, I was there strictly as a pagan priest, which was the family's chosen religious affiliation.

[RevJackP]

First - Von, know that many members are praying for you. Each in our own way.

I'm a retired paramedic with many years of experience in the field, hosp. settings and such. There has been a lot of very good advice given here on this forum.

What I consider to be a very important factor in cases like this is one of mentorship. But one need's to understand mentorship. The common definition of a mentor has always been in a positive, educational way. But even a bad influence is a mentor. Good or bad, a mentor is someone who is always there, influencing him.

If an addict isn't getting positive support then the attitude of "no one cares" sets in and the addict defaults to world they know best, where they "feel" secure, the answer they "know" that works for them. But I feel that good support must be as constant or even more so, than the bad support.

Disclaimer Here: I'm not saying that this is the case for everone. Each human being is different and their actions and such must be watched, learned from and any engagements must be tailored to him.

One of the things that I have seen work (quite a few times) is tough to do, it's continued positive support. Anyone who has contact with the son should mentor in a positive way. Not being intrusive or confrontational, just keep letting him know that people love him, care for him and are there for him. He has a relationship with an addict you said. Well that is support and mentoring in a bad way. And it's constant, so you need to let him know that there is loving, caring support for him that isn't giving up and that he has a path to follow when he wants to.

Think of it this way; it's why advertising works so well. It's always there, repeatedly we are exposed to the message that the sponsors want us to receive. So later when we have to make a decision the "advertising programming" kicks in and we buy what the advertisers want us to buy.

Me, I've always been a believer in "Love Conquers All". You can't make a person take treatment, but you can be there for him when he does decide to.

Keep up the good work, and keep posting here. There is a lot of support on this forum. Also keep us informed.

Good luck and God Bless.

[VonNoble]

ATWATER VITKI & MARK45 - right on both counts

There really is nothing more to be done for the mother than what I am doing (prayer and listening) (and continuously suggesting the name of and numbers

of professional people) (which are ignored.) Sometimes it just helps to bounce it off of someone else as the pain certainly looks deep and devastating when I am speaking with her.

Atwater Vitki, I think you are definitely plowing in the right field with your assessment. The focus from church members is being drawn "to the mom" and the addict is a tiny bit - being vilified. I think I can neutralize the direction of the group dynamic, thanks to your heightening my awareness so that was very helpful.

REVJACKP - I like your style and your approach. Good analogy re: the advertising parallel. I am going to step up my positivity and coach a couple of folks

he is talking with to do the same - that was a solid lead of what we CAN and should do. Many thanks.

Re: an update - I found a rehab program in Mississippi that will accept this guy..... IF.... he decides he wants help....and we found someone willing to pick up the tab for the rehab treatment. It is a residential lockdown program. It will get him away from the addict partner (again - gotta be his choice) but it is an option to offer him. In addition, upon his return, we have church members willing to hire him at a more than livable wage....and one ready to provide a decent apartment for him that won't bankrupt his earnings should he elect to take the rehab treatment. Actually it is a very, very nice apartment quite some distance from the travel patterns of the addict partner.

I will join with a couple of his closest church contacts in making the offer of a new/better life and thanks to reading this before that meeting - I will also emphasize that he is valued even if he declines.

The mother (again after reading this) might be better served with some gentle peer pressure (gentle over time) during the ladies circle chit chats and I have a couple of ringers in there that can lead the group that directions without much fanfare.

We'll see what the mother and son choose for their future. It was VERY helpful to have some input from the FORUM. This place is a great resource. Sometimes you might even know the answer (but you forgot) (or you just need some validation it is the best answer along the way)

Von

[Atwater Vitki]

Von-

Excellent! Sounds as if the young man has options and that is something I've always felt is a key to any kind of recovery. When a person has no options the hopelessness and dwindling of resources takes it toll until there is nothing. People can not operate very well with nothing. When a person has options, the hopefulness and healing seems to exponentially grow.

Good on you and your church for truly making things available to him and the mother. And as you say "Now" it's time to see what they do with these many blessed options in front of them.

Blessings of Healing and Peace,

[emalpaiz]

Beautiful! Lord Buddha said that the community (sangha, church) was important in the path to healing (enlightenment). Keep up the good work, Von.

Hermano Luis

[RevJackP]

We will keep you and your efforts in our prayers.

[Seeker]

Please be careful Von.

Addicts will generally do or say anything to continue. It is very easy to get sucked into the game in one way or another. Trying to help can end up hurting both you and them. I would recommend reading up on Transactional Analysis (Eric Berne) for some psychological insight.

Here is a description (mostly Berne, but with some adaptations by the quoting site)

ADDICT

Is another version of the Poor me Strategy.

I remember as a child the satisfaction I gained by inventing the original thought of loaning money in the Game of Monopoly as it extended the game, returned All the money to me and made slaves of all the other players.

A Violator needs a Poor Me as a Sadist needs a Masochist. Even the selfish competitive psychopathic Star is a Violator.

We find that the opportunities both these roles give to the players to exchange vampire energies is the only reason these roles exist.

A Violator will turn into a Poor Me as easily as flipping a coin. In reality the role does not matter. Only the exchange, Vampirism of energy matters.

The antithesis of these roles played constantly in an infinity of games is Energy Enhancement.

As we learn in Energy Enhancement how to tap the Universal Energy Field we find we do not need to steal or Vampirise energy from others, ever again.

As we learn in Energy Enhancement how to remove the energy blockage sub - personalities using the Violator, Star and Poor Me roles, so we stop using them unconsciously and instead learn how to use them constructively.

Thesis. In game analysis there is no such thing as addict, drug addict, alcoholism or "an alcoholic," but there is a role called the Alcoholic or drug addict or sex addict in a certain type of game. If a biochemical or physiological abnormality is the prime mover in excessive drinking, - and that is still open to some question - then its study belongs in the field of internal medicine. Game analysis is interested in something quite different—the kinds of social transactions of Energy Vampirism that are related to such excesses. Hence the game "ADDICT"

In its full flower this is a five-handed game, although the roles may be condensed so that it starts off and terminates as a two-handed one. The central role is that of the Alcoholic—the one who is "it"—played by White. The chief supporting role is that of Persecutor-Violator, typically played by a member of the opposite sex, usually the spouse. The third role is that of Rescuer-Star, usually played by someone of the same sex, often the good family doctor who is interested in the patient and also in drinking, problems. In the classical situation the doctor successfully rescues the alcoholic from his habit. After White has not taken a drink for six months they congratulate each other. The following day White is found in the gutter.

The fourth role is that of the Patsy, or Dummy. In literature this is played by the delicatessen man who extends credit to White, gives him a sandwich on the curt and perhaps a cup of coffee, without either persecuting him or trying to rescue him. In life this is more frequently played by White's mother, who gives him money and often sympathizes with him about the wife who does not understand him. In this aspect of the game, White is required to account in some plausible way for his need for money—by some project in which both pretend to believe, although they know what he is really going to spend most of the money for. Sometimes the Patsy slides over into another role, which is a helpful but not essential one: the Agitator, the "good guy" who offers supplies without even being asked for them: "Come have a drink with me (and you will go downhill faster)."

The ancillary professional in all drinking games is the bartender or liquor clerk. In the game "Addict" he plays the fifth role, the Connection, the direct source of supply who also understands Addict talk, and who in a way is the most meaningful person in the life of any addict. The difference between the Connection and the other players is the difference between professionals and amateurs in any game: the professional knows when to stop. At a certain point a good bartender refuses to serve the Alcoholic, who is then left without any supplies unless he can locate a more indulgent Connection.

In the initial stages of "Addict," the wife may play all three supporting roles: at midnight the Patsy, undressing him, making him coffee and letting him beat up on her; in the morning the Persecutor-Violator, berating him for the evil of his ways; and in the evening the Rescuer-Star, pleading with him to change them. In the later stages, due sometimes to organic deterioration, the Persecutor-Violator and the Rescuer-Star can be dispensed with, but are tolerated if they are also wilting to act as sources of supply. White will go to the Mission House and be rescued if he can get a free meal there; or be will stand for a scolding, amateur or professional, as long as he can get a handout afterward.

Present experience indicates that the payoff in "Addict" (as is characteristic of games in general) comes from the aspect to which most investigators pay least attention. In the analysis of this game, drinking itself is merely an incidental pleasure having added advantages, the procedure leading up to the culmination, which is the hangover.

It is the same in the game of Schlemiel: the mess-making, Poor Me whose sole aim is to get the attention, energy and love from those close to him.

That which attracts the most attention, is merely a pleasure-giving way for White to lead up to the crux, which is obtaining forgiveness, attention and energy from Black.

For the Alcoholic the hangover is not as much the physical pain as the acting of psychological torment - The Poor Me!! The two favorite pastimes of drinking people are "Martini" (how many drinks and how they were mixed) and "Morning After" (Let me tell you about my hangover). "Martini" is played, for the most part, by social drinkers; many alcoholics prefer a hard round of psychological "Morning After," and organizations such as A.A. offer him an unlimited opportunity for this.

Whenever one patient visited his psychiatrist after a binge, he would call himself all sorts of names; the psychiatrist said nothing. Later, recounting these visits in a therapy group, White said with smug satisfaction that it was the psychiatrist who had called him all those names. The main conversational interest of many alcoholics in the therapeutic situation is not their drinking, which they apparently mention mostly in deference to their Persecutor-Violators, but their subsequent suffering. The Poor Me!!

The transactions object of the drinking, aside from the personal pleasures it brings, is to set up a situation where the Child can be severely scolded not only by the internal Parent but by any parental figures in the environment who are interested enough to oblige. Hence the therapy of this game should be concentrated not on the drinking but on the morning after, the self-indulgence in self-castigation. The Poor Me!!

There is a type of heavy drinker, however, who does not have hangovers, and such people do not belong in the present category.

There is also a game "Dry Alcoholic," in which White goes through the process of financial or social degradation without a bottle, making the same sequence of moves and requiring the same supporting cast. Here again, the morning after is the crux of the matter. Indeed, it is the similarity between "Dry Alcoholic" and regular "Alcoholic" which emphasizes that both are games; for example, the procedure for getting discharged from a job is the same in both. "Addict" is similar to "Alcoholic," but more sinister, more dramatic, more sensational and faster. In our society, at least, it leans more heavily on the readily available Persecutor-Violator, with Patsies and Rescuer-Stars being few and far between and the Connection playing a much more central role.

There are a variety of organizations involved in "Addict," some of them national or even international in scope, others local. Many of them publish rules for the game. Nearly all of them explain how to play the role of Addict: take a drink before breakfast, spend money allotted for other purposes, etc. They also explain the function of the Rescuer-Star.

Alcoholics Anonymous, for example, continues playing the actual game but concentrates on inducing the Addict to take the role of Rescuer-Star. Former Alcoholics are preferred because they know how the game goes, and hence are better qualified to play the supporting role than people who have never played before. Cases have been reported of a chapter of A.A. running out of Alcoholics to work on; whereupon the members resumed drinking since there was no other way to continue the game in the absence of people to rescue.

There are also organizations devoted to improving the lot of the other players. Some put pressure on the spouses to shift their roles from Persecutor-Violator to Rescuer-Star. The one which seems to come closest to the theoretical ideal of treatment deals with teen-age offspring of Addicts; these young people are encouraged to break away from the game itself, rather than merely shift their roles.

The psychological cure of an Addict also lies in getting him to stop playing the game altogether, rather than simply change from one role to another. In some cases this has been feasible, although it is a difficult task to find something else as interesting to the Addict as continuing his game. Since he is classically afraid of intimacy, the substitute may have to be another game rather than a game-free relationship. Often so-called cured Addicts are not very stimulating company socially, and possibly they feel a lack of excitement in their lives and are continually tempted to go back to their old ways. The criterion of a true "game cure" is that the former Addict should be able to drink socially without putting himself in jeopardy. The usual "total abstinence" cure will not satisfy the game analyst.

It is apparent from the description of this game that there is a strong temptation for the Rescuer-Star to play "I'm Only Trying to Help You": for the Persecutor-Violator to play "Look What You've Done to Me"; and for the Patsy to play "Good Joe." With the rise of rescue organizations which publicize the idea that alcoholism is a disease, alcoholics have been taught to play "Wooden Leg." The law, which takes a special interest in such people, tends to encourage this nowadays- The emphasis has shifted from the Persecutor-Violator to the Rescuer-Star, from "I am a sinner" to "What do you expect from a sick mane1" (part of the trend in modern thinking away from religion and toward science). From an existential point of view the shift is questionable, and from a practical point of view it seems to have done little to diminish the sale of liquor to heavy *In the underworld slang "patsy" once meant all right, or satisfactory, and later came to denote a "pigeon" drinker. Nevertheless, Alcoholics Anonymous is still for most people the best initiation into the therapy of over-indulgence.

Antithesis. As is well known, "Addict" is usually played hard and is difficult to give up. In one case a female Addict in a therapy group participated very little until she thought she knew enough about the other members to go ahead with her game. She then asked them to tell her what they thought of her. Since she had behaved pleasantly enough, various members said nice things about her, but she protested: "That's not what I want. I want to know what you really think." She made it clear that she was seeking derogatory comments. The other women refused to persecute her, whereupon she went home and told her husband that if she took another drink, he must either divorce her or send her to a hospital. He promised to do this, and that evening she became intoxicated and he sent her to a sanitarium. Here the other members refused to play the Persecutor-Violatory roles White assigned to them; she was unable to tolerate this antithetical behavior, in spite of everyone's efforts to reinforce whatever insight she had already obtained. At home she found someone who was willing to play the role she demanded.

In other cases, however, it appears possible to prepare the patient sufficiently so that the game can be given up, and to attempt a true social cure in which the therapist declines to play either Persecutor-Violator or Rescuer-Star. It is equally untherapeutic for him to play the role of Patsy by allowing the patient to forego his financial and punctuality obligations. The correct therapeutic procedure from a transactional point of view is, after careful preliminary groundwork, to take an Adult contractual position and refuse to play any of the roles, hoping that the patient will be able to tolerate not only abstinence from drinking but also from playing his game. If he cannot, he is best referred to a Rescuer-Star.

Antithesis is particularly difficult, because the heavy drinker is highly regarded in most Western countries as a desirable object for censure, concern or generosity, and someone who refuses to play any of these roles tends to arouse public indignation. A rational approach may be even more alarming to the Rescuer-Stars than to the Addict, sometimes with unfortunate consequences to the therapy. In one clinical situation a group of workers were seriously interested in the game "Addict" and were attempting to effect real cures by breaking up the game rather than merely rescuing the patients. As soon as this became apparent, they were frozen out by the lay committee which was backing the clinic, and none of them was ever again called on to assist in treating these patients.

Relatives. An interesting byplay in "Alcoholic" is called "Have One." This was discovered by a perceptive student of industrial psychiatry. White and his wife (a non-drinking Persecutor-Violator) go on a picnic with Black and his wife (both Patsies). White says to the Blacks, "Have one!" If they have one, this gives White license to have four or five. The game is unmasked if the Blacks refuse. White, by the rules of drinking, is then entitled to be insulted, and he will find more compliant companions for his next picnic. What appears at the social level to be Adult generosity, is at the psychological level an act of insolence, whereby White's Child obtains Parental indulgence from Black by open bribery under the very nose of Mrs. White, who is powerless to protest. Actually it is just because she will be "powerless" to protest dial Mrs. White consents to the whole arrangement, since she is just as anxious for the game to continue, with herself in the role of Persecutor-Violator, as Mr. White is with himself in the role of Alcoholic, Her recriminations against him in the morning after die picnic are easy to imagine. This variant can cause complications if White is Black's boss.

In general the Patsy is not as badly off as the name implies. Patsies are often lonely people who have a great deal to gain by being nice to Addicts. The delicatessen man who plays "Good Joe" makes many acquaintances in this way, and he can get a good reputation in his own social circle not only as a generous person but also as a good storyteller.

One variant of "Good Joe," incidentally, is to go around asking for advice about how best to help people. This is an example of a jolly and constructive game worth encouraging. Its inverse is Tough Guy, taking lessons in violence or asking for advice about how best to hurt people. Although the mayhem is never put into practice, the player has the privilege of associating with real tough guys who are playing for keeps, and can bask in their reflected glory. This is one species of what the French call un fanfaron de vice.

ANALYSIS

Thesis: How bad I've been; see if you can stop me.

Aim: Self-castigation.

Roles: Addict, Persecutor-Violator, Rescuer-Star, Patsy, Connection.

Dynamics: Energy Vampire, Oral deprivation.

Examples:

(1) See if you can catch me. The prototypes of this game are difficult to correlate because of its complexity. Children, however, particularly children of Addicts, often go through many of the maneuvers characteristic of the Addict. "See if you can stop me," in order to get attention and thus leach energy from the parent which involves lying, hiding things, seeking derogatory comments, looking for helpful people, finding a benevolent neighbor who will give free handouts, etc. Self-castigation is often postponed to later years.

(2) The Addict and his circle,

Social Paradigm: Adult-Adult.

Adult: "Tell me what you really think of me or help me stop drinking."

Adult: "I'll be frank with you."

Psychological Paradigm: Parent-Child.

Child: "See if you can stop me."

Parent: "You must stop drinking because. . . ."

Moves:

(1) Provocation—accusation or forgiveness.

(2) Indulgence—anger or disappointment.

Advantages:

(1) Internal Psychological—(a) Drinking as a procedure—rebellion, reassurance and satisfaction of craving.

(b) "Addict" as a game—self-castigation (probable).

(2) External Psychological—avoidance of sexual and other forms of intimacy.

(3) Internal Social—See if you can stop me.

(4) External Social—"Morning After," "Martini," and other pastimes.

(5) Biological—alternating loving and angry exchanges. (6) Existential—Everybody wants to deprive me

[Brother Kaman]

I'm OK, you're ?