Decline

Most people who see me use my EBT card in the grocery store probably think I'm scamming. I look young and healthy, like I could totally handle a job. What they don't know is that my condition can go from fine to a complete nightmare almost instantly. Today might be a good day for me, where I only have 2-3 attacks, and that's why I chose to go to the store. I would love to still be working. I miss it and if I could get my neuro disorders under control I would gladly take just about any job I was capable of performing. I have a neighbor who is trying to teach me how to design websites. Slow going because I'm definitely not very computer savvy. Hopefully, after I learn enough, I will be able to get back to supporting myself. Until then, sorry if the fact that I don't appear to be needy enough causes anyone distress.

“Gaze into the fire, into the clouds, and as soon as the inner voices begin to speak..surrender to them. Don't ask first whether it's permitted, or would please your teachers or father or some god. You will ruin yourself if you do that.” Hermann Hesse

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours. Richard Bach

The weight of one tear Hanging upon my eyelash Is too much to bear

Sanction.

Dust?

Tom Waits Pink Floyd Jason Becker Prince (70's and 80's) Santana

If "killing him with kindness" doesn't work, stepping outside with a camera might do the trick. If he thinks you are serious enough to compile evidence maybe he will take the hint.

Veri, nice to see you back! Now that I know more I know that I don't know much You know what I mean?

I think that Qryos might have meant misogynist instead of misanthrope. Also, I remember that thread you are talking about To'na and Hyper was expressing what he thought "God" wanted not what Hyper felt was right or good.

1) Makes sense to me. I will start using that term tyvm. 2) I don't believe in souls either so... 3) If these intelligent machines were advanced enough to be considered "members of society" with citizenship, rights and responsibilities then yeah I don't see why marriage should be out of the question. The mind uploading is a very interesting concept to me. Would it function like a clone (a separate but exact copy) or would there be a movement of consciousness from the meat brain to the hardware involved?

Nice! Also enjoyed their "Tales of Mystery and Imagination" album.

Yes indeed! I enjoy fiction of all sorts.

Beautiful haiku. Full of alliteration. Sympathy received.

Feel my heart breaking. Turn your blind eye to my truth. Now I'm all alone.

Grey sky above me. Sifting through colorful leaves. Fall will soon be here.

Thank you very much for your sympathy and your kind words of encouragement. I have tried accupuncture, reiki, meditation, traditional chinese herbal medicine and combinations of eastern and western medicines. Unfortunately haven't seen any positive results yet.

No, it's definitely trigeminal neuralgia. There were two veins sitting on the nerve at the base of the skull. My first surgery took care of that (micro vascular decompression). When that didn't help, he went in through the side if my skull to drain a cyst that was in the meckel cave pressing against the nerve (sub temporal craniotomy). Now the nerve is just damaged. What I have is considered atypical trigeminal neuralgia. Quite a few people who have this never find a cure. Probably why it used to be known as the "suicide disease".

Yeah, my neurosurgeon is world renowned, travels all over the place giving lectures on what I have and he has never seen a case quite like mine. As far as pain relievers go, I have tried just about everything and nothing touches the pain at all (just makes me loopy/dizzy while in pain).

Yes I have tried Marijuana and it didn't have any effect on the pain. It helped me relax in between episodes but didn't shorten duration, lessen frequency or intensity of episodes. Considering the drug laws in AZ, it's really not worth the risk for the little bit of relaxation it provided. I would like to move to Michigan, where I have family and the laws are considerably less harsh. Thank you for the kind words and advice.

My neurosurgeon says that considering the nature of my trigeminal nueralgia I have at least a 50% chance of developing anesthesia dolorosa. Instead of pain episodes, it would be non-stop and never ending for the rest of my life. As it stands, any episode that lasts longer than three hours makes me feel like I am losing sanity. Thank you very much for the suggestion though.

The issue is blinding, agonizing pain. It has gotten to the point where the time between episodes is less than the duration of each episode. I have atypical trigeminal neuralgia. I have tried all the meds, had two brain surgeries, been to several "pain specialists", tried accupuncture, meditation, electric stimulus...pretty much everything that anyone has recommended. Nothing helps at all. I do still have that wonderful girlfriend and that (along with a few friends) really seems to be all that keeps me going. Thank you all for your kind responses. I really do appreciate it.

I really don't know why I am posting this or what I hope to accomplish. I guess that I feel that some of the most intelligent, thoughtful and caring people I know are on here and maybe someone will have an answer or maybe just some insight. I am so frustrated and angry with my life right now that I don't know what to do. Everyday I wonder why I go on. Everyday is worse than yesterday. Everyday I think, "why keep struggling when you know it's just going to be worse tomorrow?". People say, "They come up with new techniques and medicines everyday. Don't lose hope." Too late, I ran out of hope a long time ago and now I feel like I just keep going because I don't know what else to do. I talk myself out of suicide everyday. Why?

I will send them both all the positive thoughts I can.

Thank you all very much!