Angry With Life

[Decline]

I really don't know why I am posting this or what I hope to accomplish. I guess that I feel that some of the most intelligent, thoughtful and caring people I know are on here and maybe someone will have an answer or maybe just some insight.

I am so frustrated and angry with my life right now that I don't know what to do. Everyday I wonder why I go on. Everyday is worse than yesterday. Everyday I think, "why keep struggling when you know it's just going to be worse tomorrow?".

People say, "They come up with new techniques and medicines everyday. Don't lose hope."

Too late, I ran out of hope a long time ago and now I feel like I just keep going because I don't know what else to do. I talk myself out of suicide everyday. Why?

[Rev Joe]

I really don't know why I am posting this or what I hope to accomplish. I guess that I feel that some of the most intelligent, thoughtful and caring people I know are on here and maybe someone will have an answer or maybe just some insight.

I am so frustrated and angry with my life right now that I don't know what to do. Everyday I wonder why I go on. Everyday is worse than yesterday. Everyday I think, "why keep struggling when you know it's just going to be worse tomorrow?".

People say, "They come up with new techniques and medicines everyday. Don't lose hope."

Too late, I ran out of hope a long time ago and now I feel like I just keep going because I don't know what else to do. I talk myself out of suicide everyday. Why?

Keep on talking yourself out of it. Also here is a link to local resources that can help you. Please check them out.

Joe

http://www.azspc.org/resources.html

[BrDevon]

I guess that I feel that some of the most intelligent, thoughtful and caring people I know are on here and maybe someone will have an answer or maybe just some insight.

I talk myself out of suicide everyday. Why?

You answered it yourself... because we do care about you.

Like you, I find each day to be a bigger and stinkier pile of doggie doo than the day before. I also remind myself that there are people who have had less and had to fight harder. I am making less now than I did 30 years ago washing dishes at my high school. Every month I am late paying rent and threatened with eviction, but I still fight on. In my case, some days it is the fact that there are folks on this forum that give a damn about me that keeps me here too.

I just watched the movie "Schindler's List" on New Year's Eve. Not a nice movie, but something I recommend to anyone. When you think there's nothing worth fighting for, remember the millions who weren't given the choice.

There's a line in the movie that I like for it's irony and the message within: A woman speaks of walking into the electrified fence, which will certainly kill her. Another woman says to her: "Do not walk into the fence. If you do, you'll never know what happened to you."

Never for one moment forget that there is someone on this earth for whom you make a difference. When you stop caring for yourself, care for them.

[Verisoph]

I really don't know why I am posting this or what I hope to accomplish. I guess that I feel that some of the most intelligent, thoughtful and caring people I know are on here and maybe someone will have an answer or maybe just some insight.

I am so frustrated and angry with my life right now that I don't know what to do. Everyday I wonder why I go on. Everyday is worse than yesterday. Everyday I think, "why keep struggling when you know it's just going to be worse tomorrow?".

People say, "They come up with new techniques and medicines everyday. Don't lose hope."

Too late, I ran out of hope a long time ago and now I feel like I just keep going because I don't know what else to do. I talk myself out of suicide everyday. Why?

Why? I'd say it's because you haven't yet lost ALL hope. Sure, tomorrow will be worse than today. Next month might be worse than last month. But who knows, by next year you might be in perfect shape, and you just might remain that way for longer than you've ever dreamt possible.

Not only are medical scientists making truly amazing discoveries, but the progress of biotechnology is advancing at an ever increasing rate. We may well be living on the verge of a time when human lives will span hundreds of years. Personally, what keeps me going is curiosity - I want to see just how far it all might go. If it's a pipe dream, then so be it, I'll die when the time comes and it will all be over for me. Or, I could end it all now, in which case it will all be over just the same, only I'll never know what might have been.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPASXJQBjdc

[Fawzo]

I know I don't view or experience the world through your eyes, yet I do get a bit down myself from time to time.

However I see each instant of life as a sacred gift. Nothing fills my heart with joy more than watching little children smile or laugh a good hearty belly laugh.

Nothing makes me feel more connected to God and life than when I watch my little 8 year old buddy playing with other kids and smiling from ear to ear as she runs with the wind blowing through her hair. I could have a world of troubles hanging over my head but just one hug from her and nothing matters.

Others care deeply about you whether you realize it or not. I would think those who responded here care about you as well or we wouldn't have taken the time to respond.

Think about the times in your life when you were most happiest and the things that make you smile. That favorite Christmas Gift, the times you laughed so hard tears poured out of your eyes, the time your friend laughed so hard he shot snot into his chocolate milk.....you get the idea.

Brightest Blessings!

[kokigami]

On your profile you say you have a wonderful girlfriend? You describe yourself as a "Hopeful Agnostic". Now, that may be old info, but even if it is, you appear to have only been here since 06? So, that information is only, at most, 3-4 years old. You are 37? If your life has changed that much in the past 3-4 years (ten percent of your life) and you can expect to live - barring the idea that this depression is brought on by a terminal illness - another 40 to 60 years, you can expect your life to change a lot between now and then.

You mention medicine and technique, so I am guessing you are dealing with depression, and on meds, but they don't work. I have a friend who has faced this for years. She moved from minnesota, to Az, which helped her, a lot. You are already in AZ, so, obviously, this isn't about AZ. But, a change of environment may be good. It creates a sense of opportunity. Also, a task that requires focus. My friend studied art. She is not cured. She still has bad periods. Sometimes very bad. But, she also has more good periods. I have never known any one to work harder at life. She is amazing.

Try to be amazing.

[Decline]

On your profile you say you have a wonderful girlfriend? You describe yourself as a "Hopeful Agnostic". Now, that may be old info, but even if it is, you appear to have only been here since 06? So, that information is only, at most, 3-4 years old. You are 37? If your life has changed that much in the past 3-4 years (ten percent of your life) and you can expect to live - barring the idea that this depression is brought on by a terminal illness - another 40 to 60 years, you can expect your life to change a lot between now and then.

You mention medicine and technique, so I am guessing you are dealing with depression, and on meds, but they don't work. I have a friend who has faced this for years. She moved from minnesota, to Az, which helped her, a lot. You are already in AZ, so, obviously, this isn't about AZ. But, a change of environment may be good. It creates a sense of opportunity. Also, a task that requires focus. My friend studied art. She is not cured. She still has bad periods. Sometimes very bad. But, she also has more good periods. I have never known any one to work harder at life. She is amazing.

Try to be amazing.

The issue is blinding, agonizing pain. It has gotten to the point where the time between episodes is less than the duration of each episode. I have atypical trigeminal neuralgia. I have tried all the meds, had two brain surgeries, been to several "pain specialists", tried accupuncture, meditation, electric stimulus...pretty much everything that anyone has recommended. Nothing helps at all. I do still have that wonderful girlfriend and that (along with a few friends) really seems to be all that keeps me going.

Thank you all for your kind responses. I really do appreciate it.

[Brother Michael Sky]

The issue is blinding, agonizing pain. It has gotten to the point where the time between episodes is less than the duration of each episode. I have atypical trigeminal neuralgia. I have tried all the meds, had two brain surgeries, been to several "pain specialists", tried accupuncture, meditation, electric stimulus...pretty much everything that anyone has recommended. Nothing helps at all. I do still have that wonderful girlfriend and that (along with a few friends) really seems to be all that keeps me going.

Thank you all for your kind responses. I really do appreciate it.

my older brother died a few years ago from diabetes. He dealt with severe neuropathy.. the pain and tingling you feel when a body part goes to sleep and "awakens".... I don't know your situation, but i used to find him marijuana, and make him bites to eat cooked with cannabutter.... the relief he felt was enough to allow him the peace to come to terms with dying and whether he was ready to believe in God.

I don't know your situation, but I risked my freedom and future because it was WORTH it.... I would watch my brother go from a fetal position in agony, slowly unwind, and gradually sit up and talk with me. This was important to me as he was a die hard athiest before his terminal illness and after suffering for years wanted to have a dialog with me about my beliefs... I NEEDED the time to have that conversation....

what i wanted to say was that marijuana was a VERY effective medicine..... and it definitely helped with his depression as well...

I shall remember you when i pray, and i send well wishes in your direction...may you see the end of this experience which causes such pain.

you are not alone, I too suffer daily. I have no answers for you, but i do have understanding and i truly will be wishing you well.

[Dan56]

The issue is blinding, agonizing pain. It has gotten to the point where the time between episodes is less than the duration of each episode. I have atypical trigeminal neuralgia. I have tried all the meds, had two brain surgeries, been to several "pain specialists", tried accupuncture, meditation, electric stimulus...pretty much everything that anyone has recommended.

Just curious whether or not you've tried Gamma Knife radio surgery? I read that approximately 85 to 90 percent of patients who have had GKRS experience excellent or good pain relief.

Edited January 3, 2010 by Dan54

[kokigami]

The issue is blinding, agonizing pain. It has gotten to the point where the time between episodes is less than the duration of each episode. I have atypical trigeminal neuralgia. I have tried all the meds, had two brain surgeries, been to several "pain specialists", tried accupuncture, meditation, electric stimulus...pretty much everything that anyone has recommended. Nothing helps at all. I do still have that wonderful girlfriend and that (along with a few friends) really seems to be all that keeps me going.

Thank you all for your kind responses. I really do appreciate it.

ah, that is a horse of another color. I have no other advise though. A few years is a long time in modern technology. How long have you been suffering?

[Decline]

Just curious whether or not you've tried Gamma Knife radio surgery? I read that approximately 85 to 90 percent of patients who have had GKRS experience excellent or good pain relief.

My neurosurgeon says that considering the nature of my trigeminal nueralgia I have at least a 50% chance of developing anesthesia dolorosa. Instead of pain episodes, it would be non-stop and never ending for the rest of my life. As it stands, any episode that lasts longer than three hours makes me feel like I am losing sanity.

Thank you very much for the suggestion though.

[Bro. Hex]

This is meant as a SERIOUS (not flippant) reply.

Have you tried marijuana for relief of pain?

It has been known to work when nothing else would.

You are in my prayers.

Hex

Edited January 3, 2010 by Hexalpa

[Decline]

This is meant as a SERIOUS (not flippant) reply.

Have you tried marijuana for relief of pain?

It has been known to work when nothing else would.

You are in my prayers.

Hex

Yes I have tried Marijuana and it didn't have any effect on the pain. It helped me relax in between episodes but didn't shorten duration, lessen frequency or intensity of episodes. Considering the drug laws in AZ, it's really not worth the risk for the little bit of relaxation it provided. I would like to move to Michigan, where I have family and the laws are considerably less harsh.

Thank you for the kind words and advice.

[Bluecat]

I believe opium is a pretty effective pain killer - "poppy tea" was used in the damp parts of England where my home is to treat crippling rhumatic pains and other troubles until the 1930s.

The main side effects are constipation and the consequences of it being illegal.

On the question of life, every time a good thing happens to me it reminds me that, if I'd killed myself when I wanted to, I'd never have enjoyed it.

I don't know if that would help you, but it does help me!

On the other hand, I'm not living with what you're living with.

I don't really have any good advice, but you do have my very best wishes, thoughts and prayers.

[Rev Ed]

I think one of the best things I ever did was join the ULC - we may not always agree with each other on theis forum, but I do believe that people care about the other members here.

Life cna be hard, but no one ever said that life would be easier. My advise is to take the little positives you can find now, and keep hold of them, remember them, and life will get better.

[Dan56]

My neurosurgeon says that considering the nature of my trigeminal nueralgia I have at least a 50% chance of developing anesthesia dolorosa. Instead of pain episodes, it would be non-stop and never ending for the rest of my life. As it stands, any episode that lasts longer than three hours makes me feel like I am losing sanity.

Thank you very much for the suggestion though.

Well, it seems to be a mysterious illness. I can understand your frustration from living with constant pain. Its also understandable why you would consider putting an end to it. If an an animal (pet) were in constant pain, the humane answer would be to stop the suffering and put them down, but such is not the case with people. I'd only suggest that as long as you can tolerate it, life is worth fighting for, and hope is a good thing, along with prayer to see you thru it. No prescription pain relievers help? (Demerol, Vicodin, Oxycontin, Percodan, Fentanyl, Morphine, Dilaudid, etc?)

[Decline]

Well, it seems to be a mysterious illness. I can understand your frustration from living with constant pain. Its also understandable why you would consider putting an end to it. If an an animal (pet) were in constant pain, the humane answer would be to stop the suffering and put them down, but such is not the case with people. I'd only suggest that as long as you can tolerate it, life is worth fighting for, and hope is a good thing, along with prayer to see you thru it. No prescription pain relievers help? (Demerol, Vicodin, Oxycontin, Percodan, Fentanyl, Morphine, Dilaudid, etc?)

Yeah, my neurosurgeon is world renowned, travels all over the place giving lectures on what I have and he has never seen a case quite like mine. As far as pain relievers go, I have tried just about everything and nothing touches the pain at all (just makes me loopy/dizzy while in pain).

[kokigami]

Yeah, my neurosurgeon is world renowned, travels all over the place giving lectures on what I have and he has never seen a case quite like mine. As far as pain relievers go, I have tried just about everything and nothing touches the pain at all (just makes me loopy/dizzy while in pain).

That makes me wonder if it is a mis diagnosis. Not something he would consider, if it is his specialty. "to a man with a hammer, every problem is a nail", kinda thing.

[Decline]

That makes me wonder if it is a mis diagnosis. Not something he would consider, if it is his specialty. "to a man with a hammer, every problem is a nail", kinda thing.

No, it's definitely trigeminal neuralgia. There were two veins sitting on the nerve at the base of the skull. My first surgery took care of that (micro vascular decompression). When that didn't help, he went in through the side if my skull to drain a cyst that was in the meckel cave pressing against the nerve (sub temporal craniotomy). Now the nerve is just damaged.

What I have is considered atypical trigeminal neuralgia. Quite a few people who have this never find a cure. Probably why it used to be known as the "suicide disease".

[grateful]

wow, as I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself because "it's so cold", your post hit home

I am so very sorry for the extreme pain and frustration you are experiencing friend, and remember well how very hard it can be to "get out from under"

though any real pain that I have experienced has been temporary - with an end in sight - it did not diminish the "moments" where the agony seemed to have no end

some people have enjoyed considerable pain relief with accupuncture, reiki and other less than western methods

for what it's worth, I wish you love and light and freedom from this somehow