Hello I grew up with a depressed mom. I had no father in my life. We moved a lot and her depression followed. No family interaction only occasional and by that I meant a handful of times my entire life due to family abuse .
When I was 3 or 4 I was kidnapped and abused, idk what happened or how I escaped , I dont know what physical trauma I had. Only memories of pantyhose and a silo . My mom told me she chased a man down the road and I had to give a statement to the police and the case never went anywhere because he was the “towns dirty secret”
We moved around a LOT , a lot . We lived in a lot of different states We lived in small places and moved at a minimum of every 2-3 years if not sooner. My mom struggled to make ends meet.
I had a lot of baby sitters that were not always nice. One had very mean teen boys who would lock me in dark rooms and scare me and threaten me .
One of my moms friends , husband would physically assault me when I would visit. I was 7-8 I think.
I used to hallucinate that I could fly and had imaginary friends that I would talk to . I also saw and heard things when I was a young teen. My mother would lay in bed nd tell me she wanted to die . When I was in 8th grade she attempted and I took her on the bus to the ER , the police blamed me for being a bad daughter.
I stayed by myself with family “friends ” they were abusive and their nephew held me up with a knife. I worked in 8th grade taking the bus to bad areas of town to clean animal cages for money so I could afford food. I found that I couldn’t empathise very much with emotions aside from anger or depression. I hurt my pet once out of frustration when it bit me.
I was bullied in school very badly and ended up quitting. I worked when I was a teen and tried to find a boyfriend and was rejected left and right. I lost my virginity to a man when I was 16 that was 26 or 27. I then and met a man when I was 17, his sister worked with me, he was 26-27 possibly older. He took me out and told me that I owed him for the dinner he bought me and the drinks he got me at a bar ( I had never really drank before) We had sex , I felt pressure to do it that I owed him and it was awful and I felt so guilty that I lashed out. I yelled at him that I was another notch on his bedpost. I never heard from him again.
I found out I was pregnant at 17. My mom was very religious. She asked me if I had been raped and I said yes , I was so ashamed that I let myself get pregnant. I lied. I hated him and I hated myself. I didn’t want to admit I put myself in that position I was ashamed.
I felt disgusting. I was dating someone shortly after and he helped me . He then left me when having a baby was too much . I didn’t bond with my daughter. she had an accident at 2 weeks that ended in a skull fracture. I was getting her bottle , she was on a changing table and she rolled off. I let go for a split second and heard her fall. I have extremely bad eyesight and depth perception and misjudged the distance I reached to the sink. we rushed to the ER and they sent us home. They called us back 2 days later and sid they rvied her ex-rays and we needed to rush back to the ER they had found the fracture 2 days later. She was admitted for 4 days to watch her.
She was a difficult child, very obstinate, cried a lot, didn’t listen, very loud and threw tantrums a lot. screaming and yelling and violent at times. I think it may have been a result of then head trauma but didn’t realize that until years later. I just thought she was possessed or something, she was a handful. She would do things to make you purposefully angry. destroy things . She would hurt animals at the age of 3, she threw dog and killed it, as she got older she would hurt her step brother. She was overly sexual also. I was not nice to her. I would yell and lock her out of the trailer to show her she couldn’t do what she was doing and have no consequence. She threatened to run away when she was 6 and I told her good , do it ( I only half meant it. I did try love her and didn’t like her at the same time. I was a really bad mom . I didn’t understand her or why she was so violent. I didn’t know how to love her. Her step brother was angry also, he was 3 his mom would tell him stories about how I broke up her marriage I was the reason his daddy wouldn’t love her. That was false but he hated me and kicked me in the belly when I was pregnant. His mom was married to an abusive man that hung her over a balcony by her ankles and she wanted to be a stripper. my relationship with my stepsone suffered because of my resentment from his mother and the trouble she caused all the time. She cheated on every husband and would put me down all the time to my stepson. He told me he hated me and the only reason he tolerated me was his dad loved me . I took my anger out on both of them. I had , depression and anxiety very bad ,OCD with being clean and would get very angry and yell a lot or spank them when they didn’t keep their rooms clean. I stopped taking my birth control and got pregnant with my second daughter. My pregnancy with her was much more loving and I bonded with her immediately. My older daughter was a great big sister to her , she protected her and loved her. We got both the older kids counseling and I went on antidepressants. They were both DX with severe ADHD and ODD.
When my youngest daughter was 3 my older daughter started becoming abusive to her and said I loved her more. Its true I did, I found it hard to love my other daughter, she was violent and mean. She made a plan to kill my youngest, telling me she would put her hands around her throat and squeeze her air out of her so she would die. she was smiling when she told me that. she once put a knitting needle through her hamster’s anus and through his body killing it. I drove her to the mental hospital that night. She was in and out of the hospital several times for throwing tables, eating paper, and describing killing her siblings. eventually, I sent her away to live with my mom. We found out later that she sexually abused my youngest daughter. my youngest daughter was suicidal. I HATED my older daughter at this point. the law was called, we went to court because she took out a TPO against me for driving our youngest to confront her abuser. The court sided with me as we were following the therapist’s advice. They did say that we couldn’t pressure a legal case because she abused her when she was a minor. Her Dr said she was a psychopath and should never live in a house with another child. I think the reason she is like she is is due to her head injury, how I didn’t bond with her and how much I hated her as she grew. She looked just like her father. My mother took her side and said it was my fault that she was the way she is. My kids are all grown now. I dont want a relationship with my oldest. I don’t know how to forgive her for what she did, even if it was my fault for not loving her enough. I was a terrible mom and I didn’t love her enough. I lied about her father. He ended up being a dirty cop and put into federal prison for kidnapping and extortion and gang protection.
But I still spanked her too much, yelled at her too much and didn’t love her enough. regardless of my trauma. she is my fault . I don’t know how to let the guilt go . I have trouble with empathy also, I detach from people very easily. my mother and I dont speak either. I only have my husband and his family and I am not attached to them. its easy for me to be alone. I have a son with my husband as well and I love him as much as I can as well as my youngest daughter. I love them as much as I possibly can emotionally wise. I fake it also so that they dont feel like I dont. I try to love but its so hard to love anyone. I feel numb a lot or angry . I need prayers to fix my brain and my heart. I dont want to be numb or angry anymore.