pain

i am in pain , its so painful, i can’t breath , i can’t eat, i can’t wake up , i can’t express what i want, i can’t focus, i want to say that , but nobody is asking me , i used to take large amounts of pain meds, i stopped talking them a year or two , and now i can’t seem to stop the tears and pain , i want to forgive my father for leaving me , but i can’t seem to , it hurts more and more , i want to forgive my mother for using me so that her elder child would succeed and considered me as a burden , but i can’t seem to , i want to forgive my sister , who “broke the news” that we weren’t sisters when i went to console her after she had a fight with mum, i want to forgive my grandparents for loving their elder grand daughter more than me, but i can’t seem to ,i am so done, i just want to beg everyone to not leave me , but seems like everything is a mirage