Atonement

I’m such an awful creature, for 20 years of my life i never really felt love and affection and at the age of 20 i first time had a relationship and i loved her from all of my heart despite she didn’t seem like to be in love with me and that relationship ended recently, and i was an emotional mess because of that break up. It was my first experience feeling heart break and this all pain, but 1 girl saved me from it came like an angel in my life she supported me with her kind words and affectionate attitude towards me and slowly i started developing feelings for her but she didn’t really seem to be intrested in romantic relationships at least not with me , so since I felt better I suppressed my feelings for her and started to look for other human connections and i did find one girl she was really kind caring and slowly i started developing feelings for her too because no one has really showed me this level of care and kindness but she was only intrested in friendship as she mentioned before so i suppressed my feelings for her too , but things happened and these both of girls confessed to me that they have feelings for me , and i know this is my mistake but i couldn’t just lie to one , it would’ve been better if i lied to one girl that i don’t have feelings for her but i said to both of them that i have feelings for them , but they didn’t know about each other i was too scared to hurt them , i wanted to just block one and be another’s forever, but it wasn’t like I loved one less , I could ant can still give my own life for both of them in a heartbeat I love both of them so much I carried these both without revealing them about each other but i couldn’t take the guilt of doing this and one fine day I had enough strength to just tell them both the truth, that i loved them both, but as this was very hurtful to both of them they can never believe I ever loved them even tho i do, more than anyone , I have no right to even ask for their forgiveness, i deserve all the pain I’m feeling, but in the presence of lord i swear i never intended this never wanted them for materialistic desire or lust. It was pure love for them and i know that, but the thing that hurts me is they don’t believe it they both hate me now , i don’t want them to love me anyways but I just want them to understand it was purest love i could give I had no ill intentions towards them i purely loved both of them and now they both feeling pain of betrayal and the worst fear of me is they lost hope in love ,and I’m suffering to see them in pain , I want to end my life because these 2 were the most precious person i got but I cannot die until i make sure my parents will be fine without me ,need to leave some money for them, i don’t know what to do, I know i have done terrible sin and i deserve to suffer for eternity and i wish i suffer more, more than anyone,I ask lord I pray lord to please end their sufferings and pain which I’ve got , and give them to me even more than the suffering they felt, I am suffering for now to but i deserve more , please lord Christ guide me through this , I can never forgive myself for this but my only intentions towards them was loving them unconditionally and so evil part of me thought to keep that up and thought that one of them will leave me eventually anyways, because I have nothing, I’m ugly , poor and i gave nothing to offer except love , so i thought one of them would leave but they both seemed to be loving me unconditionally,and now I’ve hurt the only persons who ever loved me unconditionally and i can’t live with this burden , I pray the lord to free both of them from the hurt I’ve caused and give it to me