I wish to share a few thoughts with those who are now, or have in the past, been in the same situation in which I now find myself, in the hopes that something in this may prove helpful to others.. With the recent passing away of my father, I am once again haunted by old ghosts. However, as I am a minister now, I can no longer run from them. I am compelled to deal with them. A little background seems to be in order. I am a veteran of a chronic, dysfunctional family background, and of hard feelings that have gone on within my family for many years. I have been severely scarred emotionally by certain family members who have issues, real and imagined, that they impose on others (within the family), and because of their dysfunctional behavior, it impacts those of us who are trying to live the life we want, a life unfettered by this dysfunctionality. I promised myself a long time ago, that I was not going to sit still and let others continue to destroy my self-esteem. After many incidences in which I was summarily blamed for things I didn't do, have any control over, or in some cases, never even happened, I decided it was in my best interest, for my mental, emotional and physical well-being to remove myself from their influence. I moved far away and became estranged from the rest of my family for several decades, which in turn took that powerless feeling away. After a failed marriage, many failed relationships and numerous mis-adventures, I finally got my gray matter arranged correctly and began "packing the gear". I went back to school, worked hard and have became a respected contributor to my community. Now for the present. When I was notifed of my fathers passing, I had to communicate with my siblings, some who obviously still have personal issues with me, as well as my other brothers and sisters. There appears to be hard feelings all the way around. Not only have things not changed, they appear to have gotten worse. It saddens me greatly. This should be a time for healing. A time for all of us to come together. It should be a time for mending fences. We should be able to put aside our differences long enough to at least pay our respects to our father. I feel, as a minister and family member, that my duty should be to go to them and attempt to bring the family together. But I feel woefully inadequate to the task-at-hand. My previous attempts over the years were disasterous, to put it mildly. I feel like if I showed up for the funeral, it would simply be pouring gasoline on a fire. I find myself once again feeling like the little boy I was...when anything I did was wrong, and would result in immedeate physical punishment for no other offense but that of being born..............Hence my dilema. The only words of wisdom I can come up with at this time is in Luke 17, verses 3 and 4: "Take heed to yourselves. If thy brother trespass againt thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him." "And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying I repent; thou shalt forgive him." I have forgiven everyone for everything they have done to me, and I have repented of anything I might have done to anyone. I have attempted to communicate this on several occaisions over the years. But unfortunatly, it is a 2-way street. All parties have to be willing to do this, and it appears this may never happen. If you find yourself in a similar situation, all I can say is to look into your heart, as deep as it takes, and find a spot of forgiveness and understanding there. Work on it. You only have one family, and you are your brothers keeper (sisters, too...). "Judge not, that ye be not judged" "For with what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged, and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measure to you again." Matthew 7, verses 1 and 2, from the Sermon On The Mount.
According to the chart, I am a Gnostic Theist. I've actually always considered myself as an Acetic Gnostic.