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I need some good advice on how to deal with my two daughters. Neither of them are speaking to me and they have refused to allow me to have any contact with my Grandchildren. I am a recovering addict and think I am a good person, but I must admit that as a young mother in an abusive marriage, I was always in survival mode. Unfortunately for my children, I turned to drugs, and of course they suffered. I have tried to make amends for my failings, but they have been hard on me. I lost my 26 year old son, and when my one of my daughters refused to go to the memorial I have not spoken to her since (3 yrs.). I had 5 children, and only my 2 remaining sons speak to me. I have not seen 6 of my Grandchildren in 3 yrs. My heart is broken and I am finding it hard to get on with my life. I now have a loving husband who puts up with my sorrow as he knows how I feel, but a mother is a mother, and its just not the same. If anyone out there has been in or going through a simular situation, I would appreciate some words of advice. Thanks!

(If you would like to respond through a PM, that would be OK too.)

Edited by saved
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Well that would be a hard one. Only thing you can do is try to talk with them. But I would want to know why now? What's changed? I hope YOU'Ve changed and not just your living situation. Because "having a loving husband who puts up with your sorrow" isn't a good enough reason. As I see it, you must earn the right to be back in their life.

Its going to hurt you to say, but you are going to have to face the possibility that they just won't want you in their lives either. My father left when I was 3 yrs old. Many years later he tried to come back into my life. But it was the same old thing. He'd pop in to say hi and then leave again. He couldn't be in my life with any sort of regularity, so I wanted no part of it. He ended up dieing alone in a strange place.

The first step starts with you. Make contact, let them know your open to reconciliation. Take it one step at a time. If they talk with the other children you do have contact with that would make it easier. Perhaps organize a family reunion.

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Your children are adults now and they make choices in life just as you did.

I think all you can do is hope they will change their minds and want contact with you.

I they don't there is nothing you can do.

Forcing it won't help and it may even open even more old wounds.

What I would recommend is putting you hard life experiences to use in helping those who are addicted to drugs right now and to tell them about the life changing impacts drugs can have.

It might help you cope with your sorrows in knowing you are helping others preventing these things.

And this work might perhaps even raise some level of respect by your children.

Edited by Hyper Real
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  • 2 weeks later...

My partner of 26 years, some may prefer 'wife' but we never formally married, at one time worked in a recovery center dealing with just such situations and recovering mothers.

I am certain she would give similar advice as that of Ms. Salem above. With all cases it is up to you to prove to your daughters they can trust you. Above all else Ms. Saved, you must remain focused on the fact this entire situation revolves around their trusting you, not you wanting to be a part of their lives. This may be the first time in their lives they can ever do such a thing as trust you so it's not going to be easy for them.

One method my wife's clinic encouraged was leave the grandchildren entirely out of the contact and conversation. Send your daughters a loving card or letter every three to four months and a phone call once every six months. This lets them know you are still trying without being pushy. In many cases it took from two to five years for the walls to be broken down sufficiently for the children of addicts to chance trusting the parent again.

You must be committed to your recovery first, your daughter's needs second and lastly your need to settle the guilt within. Should you break their trust at any time during this period of trepid association, I'm certain you are aware it would completely diminish any second chance.

Edited by HHolmquist
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  • 3 weeks later...

I submitted this on June 2nd, and I think some members may have gotten the wrong idea about my situation. I spoke of how I have been estranged from my two adult daughters since I lost my 26 year old son back on July 7, 2009, Although I did mention that I had a problem with drugs while my kids were young, I had enjoyed a very good relationship with them both up to the time of my sons death. I babysat all the time for them, and we would do things and go places together. For some reason, my youngest daughter refused to go to my son's memorial service, and would not give us a reason. She had been very close to him and he was very good to his neices and nephews. When she refused to attend the memoial, my husband and I were very upset with her, and we've not been able to communicate since. I'm very sad and have tried to send my grandchildren cards but they always come back unopen, return to sender.

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