My Daughter...


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My oldest... Actually my step daughter, but I have raised since diapers, even after her mom abandoned me, her and her brother. She has always been my daughter in my eyes.... And because they're dad is scum, I have always been only father they have ever known.... i love her, very, very much.

My beautiful, brilliant little girl pulled herself up from NOTHING... We are a very poor family, and I have always been a very poor man... She came from those meager beginnings, while others her age are sitting around on they're backsides, doing drugs, refusing work, mooching off of family, etc, and got a job... THEN got herself a FULL scholarship to one of the most prestigious universities in the nation... A school i could NEVER have even dreamed of sending her to.

Got married to a great guy.... Was planning a family.... Whole life ahead of her... Etc.

For all of her hard work and effort, all her goodness, kindness, intelligence, NOW, god has seen fit to reward her with ovarian cancer. She could DIE. At the very least, her plans for a family are gone forever... And so her is future. She, of course, lost her scholarship, as she HAD to quit school in order to take care of herself (starts Chemo in a couple weeks)...

I cant even BEGIN to tell you all how pissed off I am.

I would pray for her myself... But I can tell you, God has ~NO~ interest in hearing what I would have to say to Him right now. He has ALWAYS had a VERY nasty habit of killing the women that I love in my life... And though I struggled with it, I remained loyal through it all. But THIS.... This is DIFFERENT... She isnt one of my lovers, this is my CHILD... I really dont know HOW much He thinks one man is supposed to bear... But for MY part, I may well NEVER speak to Him again... I just dont KNOW right now... we'll see.

~Shakes head~

If you're prayers can do her any good, I would certainly appreciate them...

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Thanks guys...

I'm having a pretty tough time swallowing this one... Course I would never let her know that...

Im not sure if I will be able to bring myself to pray for her or not... I suspect, that in the end I will because its for HER sake... As for MY relationship with the Almighty... Well.. I think it will carry this strain for a very, very long time...

LOL.. thing is.. SHE seems to be handling it all VERY well... Much better then me, thats for sure. Of course she's concerned and all... And bummed about school... But her attitude, at least seems, like its just all in a days work for her... Amazing.... Just amazing...

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I will pray for her.... and I will send my well-wishes for understanding for you as well... It is very hard at times, when our best laid plans fall through, and we do not understand why, to see that it MAY be the hand of someone greater than ourselves, who is guiding us to an ultimately happier future...

Don't lose your trust Stormson - admit you do not understand - and ask for understanding.... it may take a while, but you will more than likely live to see the reasons... though I know there will be tough times until some understanding dawns.... I will send you my Love - for your highest and best good....

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I am so, so sorry to hear that your little girl has such a terrible struggle ahead

clear in your voice is how very much you love and respect this child

she has a strong foundation, that counts for alot

I've railed against the fates too; sometimes it's impossible to understand what

the bleep is going on, and why - it will never be clear to me why some I adored had to

suffer so much

if only our wishes alone could keep them safe and out of harms way

I wish you an easy ride on the difficult road ahead, and a million blessings to your

daughter

all is not necessarily lost; I'm a ten year survivor :)

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Thank you guys... She can use all the help she can get right now....

As for understanding.. yes, I suppose thats WHY this angers me so much. Its not that I think my child should be any more special then anyone else... And cancer is a risk for all... Its just that the astounding level of unfairness of the universe, god, what have you, is completely beyond my understanding... Or ability to submit to.. at the moment. I mean.. I see SOOOO many youngsters these days totally WASTING they're lives... Some acting barely above the level of animals (another story), and having the whole world handed to them... Blessing upon blessing heaped upon them. Then there is this child who has worked SO hard, for SO long... She did everything "right" and THEN some... Only to have it all ripped away.

She DESERVES better. Not because she's mine... But because she's EARNED it.

Thats whats so hard for me... But then, this isnt ABOUT me. Even though my own anger would taint any prayers I would send right now, I am still a FIRM believer in the power of faith and prayer. I still believe that more then one person praying multiplies those prayers, geometrically. So I know deep in my heart that you're prayers well wishes are being heard and are helping... That makes me feel better, and I know it will eventually help to heal her... And she WILL heal. So I truly thank all of you, as you are a part OF that healing.

In what stage did they discover the cancer?

Its early... And I AM thankful for that... Though, this sort of cancer can spread and turn bad pretty quickly at times.. Still, its early enough that they are going to at least try the chemo before they start ripping things out.

She WILL live. I HAVE to believe that. But I fear for what sort of life she will have now... Her future is pretty well ruined. Even if the chemo works and they dont have to take the ovaries, chances are high that she will never have a child now... And her chance to get an education and a decent job is history as well...

Eh... Pretty ironic... Given what you and I have been debating lately bro...

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Just a quick update... Havent had time to be on here allot lately..

They ARE gonna put her under the knife after all... the 11th. I ~guess~ thats a good thing... Get it OUT of there... Hopefully, once and for all. Its bad cos that means its going further, faster then they had anticipated, and they dont wanna fool around with it... But if they can end this now, then so be it.

As for me... They're worthless ** of a mom is back in the picture and doing EVERYTHING that she can to turn my little girl against me... And it seems to be working to some degree. I dont understand that at all.. i mean, she abandoned them.. And NOW she comes back talking ** and telling outright lies...the woman has some SEROUS issues.

I may just go home. I dont WANT to... But my little girl JUST doesnt NEED this crap right now... And like it or not, that woman IS they're mom... Or at least she gave birth to them. She knows.. Or at least she should.. that I am only a phone call away, day or night..If she needs me, or even just wants me here, I will be (almost) instantly. But I am very afraid that this crap between me and her mom is just too much for her right now... Her mom doesnt seem to care, but I wont risk ANYTHING that may make things worse... Its a hard choice to be forced to make... But I will do whatever is right for my daughter, first and foremost... And it doesnt seem that my ex is gonna pull up stakes THIS time... Yet.

Anyway... I appreciate all of you're prayers and well wishes... And I hope you will continue to hold her in you're thoughts and prayer or meditations... Thank you guys so much! Even though it SEEMS to be getting worse, I truly believe that, in the end, she will be ok because so many sent her the love she needs to heal....

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Stormson.... I'm going to step beyond the point I normally would - because you are a peer.....

I deal a lot with folks having similar problems with family relations ( including my family, my friend..)

Trust in the Love you have for your daughter - she knows you well.... she will desire a closer relationship with her mother, it is natural... however she will never forget the caring and support you have shown... if, as you believe, her mother does not supply the same - she will remember where she found that support, and she will come back to her Loving father, and it will be her own ( first hand ) experience which has supplied the necessary knowledge... she will need more of your support at that time to help her heal the hurt which will accumulate - you must be clearheaded to see what she needs from you.... release your anger where it may block your sight.... and continue to be that Loving father - your anger has no place around a sickbed...

I hope you do not take insult from my words. I know you probably know these things already - however I have benefitted from friends who voice the obvious at just the right time, and I only wish to do the same for you, my friend - irregardless of our difference of opinion in other areas.... I continue to pray for all of you....

Edited by Brother Michael Sky
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No brother, I dont take any offense... And I do indeed appreciate your support and prayers...

Yes, I do understand these things... Its just hard to watch. For my part, I am infinity willing, for our childs sake, to put aside our difference for now and concentrate on getting our little girl better... Sadly, it seems I am alone in that and the mother is not at all willing to take the same route. Its for this reason that I think it best I step back, until she needs me.... This crap with me and her mom isnt going to stop as long as the mom refuses to put her first. It just seems to me that the added stress is detrimental to the healing process... And as you say, anger has no place around the sick bed.... If I where able to sway her mom to let it go for now, I certainly would, but as that seems a lost cause, I cant take the chance that any of this may aggravate my daughters condition...

Frankly, it SUCKS.... But I dont see any other way.

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  • 4 weeks later...

First off Stormson, please forgive my tardiness in reading this post, somehow I missed it. Of course I will add you, your daughter and all concerned to my prayers list.

You mentioned your daughter's surgery was August 11, did that happen and what are the results? I'm sure we'll all understand if you're busy with the aftermath of that in the two weeks since...

You know, I deleted a paragraph concerning your anger over this situation, but in further consideration, you have every reasonable right to be mad at everyone, everything and even God right now. It is only human to do so. I'll refrain from putting a third thought until we hear how things are going for your daughter, but in the interim know that there is a lot of concern and many prayers going out to all of you.

Blessings of Peace and Healing,

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Stormson,

This may sound a bit foolish, but would you talk directly to God as you have expressed yourself here? I think you should. He already knows you are angry (and probably read your posts) so why not express yourself to Him. You are, after all, not asking for yourself but for your daughter. In your state, going to beseech God, in my opinion, is a sacrificial act of love and humility. He searches our hearts. Go to Him just as you are in her behalf. I'll pray for you and you pray for her. Also, you must find it in your heart to forgive the mom, otherwise it may delay the results. I sincerely hope this helps everyone concerned in the matter.

RR

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I dont have any idea why, but the spell check isnt working on this latest system.... So, forgive me in advance if my spelling gets really bad LOL

Havent yet responded because it is a VERY busy time around here, but mostly I have been waiting to be sure what was going to happen...

They did take her overies, and they did put her on chemo, BUT she is doing really, REALLY well. They are already talking about "remision" and about stopping the chemo... ~I~ think it is a bit too early to make such judgements, but I also recognize that as a distraught father I may very well be a bit over protective... I supose the docs know more then me.... At any rate I am very very happy to see her responding so well. As a serious skeptic of western medical "care" I really wasnt expecting it to go as well as it has.

The truely amazing thing is my daughter herself.... She hasnt even finished chemo (though I guess she will soon), but she is already back at work! Not full time of course... But still. If that where me, I would be whining like a spoiled kitten, but she just keeps trudging along as if nothing is amiss... I dont know where her strengh comes from, but I find more to love and respect about her every day... A truely amazing young lady! I would LIKE to think that I played a part in shaping her in such a way, but in all honesty, she far and away surpasses anything that she could have gained from me....

I would like to thank you all again, and reitterate my absolute belief in the power of mass prayer\energy.... I do not think that your prayers worked along WITh the western medicine... I think they worked DISPITE it. I think that without all the healing energy so graciously provided by all of you, things would not have turned out nearly so well as they have. Of course, I have no way to prove that, but yet, I KNOW it deep in my heart.... Thank you all SO much!

As for me, i have returned home, to the land 45 degree living LOL.... As I said, a very busy time here in the mountains... Between hunting for ginsang, looking for deer and bear sign, making firewood for the winter, making ready for next years plantings, etc,etc, I have found quite a bit to keep my mind occupied... A good thing at the moment I think, though my tired old bones tend to disagree with that sentiment LOL

As for my relationship with the Almighty... Well... It has been strained many, many times in the past. And, yes, rainbow brother, He knows it all too well... I hold nothing back from my Father. This was a tough one... very tough. Maybe because of the situation, and maybe because it is yet ANOTHER of the horrible things I have been "blessed" with, and I am simply tired and fed up... I think, probably, both. My Father has brought some astonishingly terrible things into my life... All my life.

Still.... At the end of the day, He IS my Father... And more. He is also my King and my Commander. And like it or not, He is the only God I have. I may be an insubordinant soldier, but a soldier non the less.... And I suppose, in the end, I really HAVE no choice but to settle down and accept the beatings He so continualy hands out to me... I mean... Its not as if there IS another game in town.... Cant just jump ship and find a new God can I? Some may be able to make up nice fairy tales about this god or that one, but at the end of the day even most of them have to admit they are all ruled by ONE highest GOD of God's... And since that is the one I follow, just WHERE else would I turn ya know? ~shrugs~ it is what it is....

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Still.... At the end of the day, He IS my Father... And more. He is also my King and my Commander. And like it or not, He is the only God I have. I may be an insubordinant soldier, but a soldier non the less.... And I suppose, in the end, I really HAVE no choice but to settle down and accept the beatings He so continualy hands out to me... I mean... Its not as if there IS another game in town.... Cant just jump ship and find a new God can I? Some may be able to make up nice fairy tales about this god or that one, but at the end of the day even most of them have to admit they are all ruled by ONE highest GOD of God's... And since that is the one I follow, just WHERE else would I turn ya know? ~shrugs~ it is what it is....

I'm very glad to hear your daughter seems to be on her way to recovery.

Maybe trying to see God as a friend and companion instead of some type of strict disciplinarian.

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