Paralyzed By Fluorescent Lights


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Paralyzed by Fluorescent Lights

(sung to the tune of “Paradise by the Dashboard Lights” – by Meatloaf)

Patient:

I remember every little thing

As if it happened only yesterday

Parking in the lot

And there was not another patient in sight

And I never had a doc

Treat me any worse than you did

And all the guys at work

They were glad they weren't me that night

And now my body is oh so cold and tight

It never felt so bad, I never felt such blight

And I'm groaning like a stuck pig in the dark of the night

C'mon! Hold on tight!

C'mon! Hold on tight!

Though it's cold and lonely and I've got blurred sight

'Cause I can't see too well with fluorescent lights

Doctor:

Ain't no doubt about it

Time to get undressed

Now you are forty-nine years old

And have pains in your chest

Ain't no doubt about it

No need to pout about it

Ain't no doubt about it

Time to get undressed

Patient:

But I'm forty-nine years old

And have these pains in my chest

Doctor:

Sir, I'll listen to your heart

You got it drowning out the radio

I've been waiting so long

For you to come along and have some tests

And I gotta let ya know

Yes you're really gonna regret it

So open up your eyes while I analyze

It'll feel all right

Well I wanna make your ticker run

And now your body is oh so cold and tight

It doesn't feel so good, it doesn't feel too right

And you're moaning like a stuck pig in the dark of the night

C'mon! Hold on tight!

C'mon! Hold on tight!

Though it's cold and lonely and you're losing your sight

I can see your x-rays by the ER light

X-rays by the ER light

The docs will do what they can

And advise a little more bed rest

Ain't no doubt about it

You got pains in your chest

But you are barely forty-nine

And you are barely--

We're gonna go operate tonight

We're gonna go operate

Tonight's the night...

Radio Broadcast:

Ok, here we go, we got a real pressure cooker

going here, two IV down, nothing on, no scoring,

bottom of the lungs, there's the wind-up and

there it is, a scalpel-cut up the middle, look

at him go. This Doctor can really fly!

He's rounding the lungs and really turning it on

now, he's not letting up at all, he's gonna

try for the spleen; the retractor is bobbled out in center,

and here comes the suture, and what a suture!

He's gonna get the anesthesia head-first, here it comes, he's out!

No, wait, he's awake—still awake, this guy really

makes things happen out there.

Doctor steps up to the table, here's the slice--

he's going, and what a jump he's got, he's trying

for the liver, here's the clamp, it's old as dirt--

save the liver! Holy cow, how debased!

He's taking a pretty big piece of tissue out of there, almost

daring him to try and regain consciousness. The nurse

glances over, the resident winds up, and it's misdiagnosed, misdiagnosed

for the third time, the suicide squeeze is on!

Here he comes, get the paddles, it's gonna be close,

here's the resuscitation, there's the play at the heart,

holy cow, I don't think he's gonna make it!

Doctor:

Stop right there!

I gotta know right now!

Before we go any further--!

Can you pay me?

Will you pay me forever?

Do you hear me?

Will you reimburse me?

You would make me so happy (and the same for my wife)

If you have insurance with Metropolitan Life

Can you pay me!?

Will you pay me forever!?

Do you hear me!?

Do you have A-1 credit?!?

You would me so happy (and the same for my wife)

If you have some Blue Cross or Provisional Life

I gotta know right now

Before we go any further

Can you pay me!!!?

Will you pay me forever!!!?

Patient:

Please just operate

Doctor, doctor please just operate

Please just operate

And I'll give you my answer in the morning

Please just operate

Doctor, doctor please just operate

Please just operate

And I'll give you my answer in the morning

Please just operate

Doctor, Doctor please just operate

Please just operate

And I'll give you my answer in the morning

Doctor:

I gotta know right now!

Will you pay me?

Will you pay me forever?

Do you hear me?

Will you reimburse me?

You could make me so happy (and the same for my wife)

Will you pay me today to try to save your poor life?

I gotta know right now!

Before we go any further

Will you pay me?

Or do you have some insurance?

Patient:

Please just operate

Doctor, doctor please just operate

Please just operate

And I'll give you my answer in the morning

Please just operate!!!

Doctor:

Will you pay me on credit?

Patient:

Please just operate!!!

Doctor:

Do you have some insurance???

Patient:

I couldn't take it any longer

Lord I'm in pain!

Then the nausea came upon me

Like a tidal wave

I started swearing at Rn's and on my mother's grave

That I would pay you to the end of time

I swore that I would pay you to the end of time!

So now I'm praying for the end of time

To hurry up and arrive

Cause if I have another payroll deduction made

I don't think that I can really survive

I'll never break my promise or forget my vow

But God only knows, I'd like to sue right now

I'm praying for the end of time

It's all that I can do

Praying for the end of time, so I can end my payments to you!!!

(Repeat to fade-out:)

Patient:

It was long ago and it was far away

The docs were much better than they are today

Doctor:

It never felt so good

It never felt so right

I'm raking in the dough

From everyone in sight

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Very well done, Sifu!

Um, do you have a lot of time on your hands?

Despite any possible appearances, it really doesn't take all that long. This one, a little longer than usual, granted, but still well under 10 minutes. The usual process is that as I go about my daily chores, a song will either be playing on a radio or will just pop into my head for whatever reason. I then start playing with it, coming up with themes and possible word substitutions.

By the time I sit down and commit it to electronic paper, it's already pretty much formed. Depending upon my mood and/or available time, I might tweak it a bit, but I'm not really swinging for the fence with these - just playing on the local sandlot.

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